Will confronting my abuser make me feel better? Website/YouTube Wednesday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton

Will confronting my abuser make me feel better? Website/YouTube Wednesday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton

Hey everybody. Happy Wednesday. And it’s also a very happy day. Because I had to go to jury
duty thismorning. Womp womp. But then I got dismissed. Yay! And I didn’t even have to like pretend. And be like, ‘Everybody’s guilty.’ Or ‘Hang ’em high.’ Or anything. I just sat there and caught
up on paperwork. And, you know,
answered emails. And played Candy Crush. Because what else is a girl supposed to do
when you are stuck there all day long. So it was amazing. And I don’t have to be on trial. Hooray! So that was cool. And groovy. And I don’t have to call anymore. And don’t have to deal with it for a
whole nother year. Woop woop. Thank you judicial system. So on Wednesdays, aka hump day. I’m on the Website. And I am also on youtube. So if you asked your questions on
yesterday’s video. I’ve already answered some. So you might want to get on and check
that out. I’m also on the website. Under Kati’s videos. Brrt. And at the bottom, Q&A for videos. Or #KatiFAQ for videos. I think is what it says. And I’ve answered some of those also. So you might want to get on and see
if yours is answered. But I have three today. And some of them are a little
longer to read. So lets get crack a lacking. And I have a journal topic so,
thanks Megan. And it sounds like somebody hurt
themselves in the back. I hope Sean’s okay. Okay. Question number one. ‘How can you tell if you’ve
stopped dissociating?’ ‘I feel like I get, I do it so frequently
or intensely that when it starts to let’ ‘Up a bit. I can’t tell if I am still
dissociating or that it’s’ ‘what ‘real life’ feels like.
It’s very confusing,’ ‘And it kind of freaks me out.’ ‘Any suggestions or thoughts
would be greatly appreciated.’ Now I thought this was a great topic. And I know I did a video on it before, So if you want to search that if you
haven’t watched it. You can check out, you can just search Kati Morton Dissociating. And my video will come up. And if you want me to do another
video on that. Let me know below. And let me know what you’d like
me to talk about. Because sometimes I don’t know how
much more of it you need talked about. Or what parts of it you want things talked about. So it always helps when you let me know
what you’d like me to talk about. But when it comes to dissociating, The reason that we do it. And it’s actually, sometimes you need to
tell yourself, like, ‘Good job. I was really creative and
intelligent and when the bad things were’ ‘Happening. I learned a new way to cope.’ Because that’s what dissociating is. And you kind of are looking at yourself
from like 50 feet above. Or whatever. Almost pretending that whatever’s
happening is happening to someone else. And the best way to notice
when we have stopped. Is that we actually feel things again. Emotion. Our life seems more colourful. There is like bumps in the road of it. There, you know, we feel
stress or anxiety. Or ups and downs. Happiness. It is, we feel life. The thing about dissociating is that we
don’t feel. Now I know that sounds like a really
simplistic way of explaining, Something that is really difficult. And maybe that’s something I talk about
in another video. Like how to know when you’re dissociating. How to come back. I think I talked about that
already a little bit. But anyway. You let me know. But the best way to tell when
you have stopped. Is that you are actually
feeling emotions. Because dissociation tends to take us
out of that. And kind of protect us from the bumps
in life that are emotions and experiences. Okay. Question number two. And this is a little bit longer one,
so bear with me. ‘Hi Kati, will revenge or confronting my
abusers make me better?’ I thought this was a great question. ‘When I was 19 I had a court case,
it was six years ago now for’ ‘Childhood sexual abuse.’ Well I will sum it up. Because I want you to understand
the main question is, Will revenge or confronting my abusers
make me better. Like help me heal. And she talks about how she went to court. Yay. If any of you have suffered from this. You deserve. They deserve to be punished. And you deserve to get some of that,
like revenge / confronting. Went to court. They were found not guilty. And now she finds herself waiting
outside his house. Like wanting to confront him. And to feel like, okay I can resolve it. And it will be better because I can be like, ‘You son of a bitch. blah blah blah.’ And it will make things better. And my first thing is. Consider your own safety. People who abuse, Not always, but most of the time. Can be dangerous. And we don’t really want to put ourselves
in positions to potentially be hurt again. Whether it’s just emotionally. Or horribly worse if it’s physically. So you don’t want to do anything to
put yourself in danger. I don’t want any of you to get in
positions where you could lose your life. Or be traumatised again. I don’t want any of that to happen. So please please please be careful. Don’t go following people
that have abused you. It’s really dangerous and just, you know,
if you haven’t reported please report. Now back to the question. Will confronting them
actually make me better? And the answer is no. Now I know it might give you some resolve. Like ‘Yeah, I really stuck it to them’. But at the end of the day. The real reason you’re hurting is because
what happened to you. And that even though you
spoke up and reported it. That nothing came of it. And that can be really detrimental
to ourselves. It can make us feel really shameful
and embarrassed. It almost feels like we can be
traumatised again. Or abused again. And so I would encourage you. Instead of trying to lash out on
the abuser themselves. Which they deserve it. I mean, I’d egg their house. Right. Like that’s, they’re really
wicked horrible people. But it won’t make it better. Because at the end of the day it’s
about how you feel. Your experience. What you have gone through. And what you really need to do. Is work with a therapist. Maybe seeing them multiple times a week. Processing through this. Processing through the hate,
and the anger. And all of that stuff that comes up. When we have been abused. Or when we have been traumatised. And the fact that we feel wronged. And when you process through that. And you begin to heal. You will see that by lashing out at them
actually doesn’t make you feel any better. Because we’re not actually helping you. We’re just expressing the anger on the
person that deserves it. But at the end it doesn’t undo
what’s been done. Does that make sense? Sometimes I feel like I am
talking in circles. But I hope that’s clear. And I get, it’s not abnormal to want to
like, you know, Tear their arms and legs off. And beat them with them. Or whatever. Because they are horrible people. But it’s not going to actually
help you heal in the end. Okay. Question number three. ‘Hey Kati, I love your videos.’ ‘And I was just wondering if it’s bad if’ ‘I have to see my therapist more than
once a week?’ ‘I only saw my precious therapist one time
a week. And I’m just curious’ ‘Because the past few weeks I’ve been
seeing her, my therapist, two or more’ ‘Times a week. I feel like I am an
inconvenience to my family because’ ‘They can’t ever make plans because I
have therapy. I feel like they are’ ‘Starting to get annoyed with my therapy.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense’ ‘Or if the questions are
all over the place.’ It’s not at all. You are very good at writing questions. I completely understood. And yes it’s very normal to go more
than once a week. Usually the way that it works. Just to give you kind of an overall
look at it. Most people when they are not in
an intense situation. Feeling really overwhelmed. When it’s not really like a high stress. Or a really rough point in their life. They go once a week. Because things are pretty maintainable. But when we feel like we are
in a time of crisis. And everything is happening. It’s overwhelming. Once a week is not enough. And sometimes it can feel like twice a
week isn’t enough. Because so much is happening each day. That we are like, ahh. And it can really hard to maintain
on our own. So it’s perfectly fine. It all depends on our level of need. People come once a week. People come twice a week. People come three times a week. Some people come three times a week and
have groups the other nights. It all depends on your level of need. And what support you kind of are
desiring to help you work through it. And in my experience. When we are in crisis,
we need the most support we can get. So I would encourage you to see your
therapist as many times as you feel necessary. And there will come a time when you are
going your second or third time that week, And you are like, ‘I don’t really
have anything to talk about’. And that means that you are going too often. So then you titrate down. Just notice how you feel. If you have so much to talk about and
you are feeling really overwhelmed. Keep going that number of times. Because that’s what you need. Okay. Question, eh not question number four. Journal topic. Thanks Megan. I thought this was really cool. And I haven’t done this before. And I haven’t even heard of this before. So you are amazing Megan. Thank you so much. And this is something that she has done. And it’s really helped her. And it’s called, ‘Worry time’. We could all use this, by the way. ‘I struggle with my concentration.’ ‘Partly because I have a lot of worries,
and just thoughts running around’ ‘And around in my head.’ Right. Don’t we all. Amen to that. ‘I have been taught to as soon as one
comes into your head,’ ‘Write it down and then put it away. I try
to push the worry to the back of my mind’ ‘Then in the evening I set aside 15 minutes
of time to worry about all of the things’ ‘That I have written down during the day.’ ‘It takes a while to get used to. But it’s
good at being able to control the thoughts.’ I thought that was really cool. Because do you ever feel stuck
or like can’t focus. Or you’re studying for something and you
just can’t do it, Because you’ve got this
thing running around. And I am a list maker. For any of you who have been following
me for a long time. I love post it notes. I am a list,
I make lists of lists of lists. So writing it down and then coming to the
end of the day and then thinking about it. Makes complete sense to me. It’s like making a little worry list. So I love this. Give it a try. Let me know what you think. Let me know if it helps. And thank you so much Megan. Have a wonderful evening everybody. I will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow will be Thursday,
and I will be on twitter. So ask your questions there using
the #KatiFAQ Bye! Subtitles by the Amara.org community

About the author


  1. I was able to be uncomfortable in therapy and talk about the ugly.. but why does she tear up just a little when I tell my story?

  2. Hey Kati! Question 2 helped a lot but I have a follow up question with it… What if it was a form of incest with a close sibling and it has NEVER been brought up. Who do I talk to first and what would I say! Both "children" at the time but the abuser was old enough (12ish) to understand what he was doing wrong.

  3. I got out of jury duty by telling the judge I was schizophrenic. (It was a part of a previous DX… but has since changed to bipolar…) The judge acted like he didn't care and told me to go back to my seat. I had kind of a sh..ty grin the entire time as I was kind of entertained by the situation. Toward the end the judge said something to the guys making the selection and then they made eye contact with me and I knew then I was out. Well… I thought it was entertaining but I may be easily amused…

  4. Hey kati yesterday I sat with my mum and asked her a question about my past in a very calm positive manner regarding my sister and someone else, we both got clarification on the situation without me being triggered I was proud. But I needed to know these things I was unclear on and I wanted my mum to know the things she was unaware of! Good job:D xoxo

  5. #katifaq can you do some more videos on dissociation please. Also I've asked before but do you know anything about non epileptic disorder? It has a large part of dissociation in it. I want mine to go it has got so so much better but it's still there! Thanks XOXOX

  6. I was going to court with my abuser. Everything was all ready, he went before the judge and refused to plead guilty. He agreed to show up to court. I was anxiously waiting for weeks. Finally on the day of, I dressed neatly, and went to the courthouse. A lot of people were there, they had a jury picked and everything. Me, my mom and my sister were all waiting in this room to the side of the court room where everything was taking place. There were a ton of people in there. It was about to start and then my lawyer came in and told me that HE FLED! He just didn't show up and they couldn't find him. That was a few months ago so yeah he is still out there…

  7. I'm afraid to confront my father about his abuse not only in my childhood but through my life and though I now do not live in the same state as him. I still visit them. Inevitably at some point during my visit he ends up hurting my feelings or being a complete asshole. Before I moved 2 years ago I worked for him and he was an absolute brute to me and I quit and moved. I don't know how to get over what he did to me growing up but I don't know how to deal with all the mental mess I have as an adult. I still have flashbacks of when he would be especially abusive to me as a kid and it totally leaves me in a mess of tears. I'm tired of feeling this way, im tired of going through depression, I am tired of living a fearful life because I have zero self esteem. IF you could answer this would be very helpful or point me in the direction I need to go. I have no insurance and my husband is the only one working. thanks

  8. Hi Kati! I really thought I should bring this up as I'm pretty sure I'm not alone..You do such a fantastic job and monitoring and making sure no triggering words are mentioned but in the description the "R" word (sexual abuse related) and triggered me so badly that I threw up and passed out 🙁 I know it was an honest mistake but please double check things. I would hate to be so stressed of whether something is going to trigger me on your channel that I avoid it and miss out on all the recovery help 🙂

  9. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH for taking the time to answer my Q!! I appreciate it so much -your advice and support means so so much to me so Thankyou very much. I will try not to keep doing this behaviour and wanting to confront him and concentrate on myself getting better. Your amazing Thankyou again it means so much to me xxx @Kati Morton

  10. thx for this awesomely ha bisky vid and i think my mom called to get me out of jury duty before

    i love these Q and As so much learning is fun

  11. i find it helpful to rewrite a lot of situations and just come up with my own ending to things and just writing down everything like when i want to kill my sister writing down how i would do it helps (i have always ripped the papers up afterwards) so nobody knew i was doing that the last time i did that was probably in high school and i was talking to a friend (we would play obscure games and i remember one of my answers ended up being killing my sister and how i would do it) it was weird

  12. #katifaq   HI Kati, My therapist is SO QUICk to mention a higher level of care. I'm doing such hard work and of course there are growing pains and of course i may even get worse before i get better and i know she knows that and yet every time i backslide for a second she brings it up as a possibility. I'm WORKING here, and i can't be threatened with a higher level of care every second i struggle! Ps seeing a different therapist isn't an option I've been seeing her 7 years and value her opinion but i don't agree on this, how can i get her to back off on this without insulting her as a professional??

  13. First off, I want to thank you for doing what you are doing.  There is nothing more important than self help!

    I disagree with your answer you provided with confronting your abuser.  First off the response was confronting, not lashing out.  You shouldn't lash out at anyone.  As far as confronting goes, you first need to identify the type of abuse.  If its physical abuse than you should remove yourself from the situation and toxic individual.  If its emotional abuse, which I could argue can be more damaging than physical abuse, you must confront the person in the moment.  If you don't stand up for yourself than no one will!  After being a victim of emotional abuse I can testify and say that it wont stop or get better until you call out the abuse that is taking place and dismiss it.  I am not talking about lashing out at someone because they abused you. 

    (i.e. Abuser: "Where were you? Why are you home so late? I needed you to do this! You are so worthless!"  
    Response: "I don't mind you asking what I was doing but I am late because I had to work late.  I don't like to be called worthless.  Don't ever talk to me like that again.  If you are upset about something we can respectfully work through it together.")

    My point is that it is very important to confront your abuser or the abuse will continue.  Sometimes people get so caught up in themselves that they don't even realize that they are being emotionally abusive.  You almost need to respond to them like you would a child and call out the obvious.  If the person continues the abuse then it might be time to leave that toxic person and don't look back. 

    Edit: After reading the description I see the abuse question was related to sexual abuse.  I didn't realize that when I wrote the comment above but I would consider that physical abuse of the worst kind.  If a person is still struggling with that then I would advise therapy.  Its important to focus on dealing with your emotions through expression and not to cover them up.  Work on being able to identify good behavior and surround yourself with it!

  14. If one chooses too ONLY recognize one emotion such as "happy thoughts" and completely ignore the other emotions and feelings is that considered a level of dissociating or is that something different because though you have only one feeling its still an emotion.

    This is kind if confusing but basically like most people when I'm stressed I simply shove all the yucky feelings further and further down and ignore them as if there not there but then when I do open up and become vulnerable its like a wave of negative sad mad anxious emotions that come up.

    So by this example I would think that one could dissociate a single feeling?
    Such as I don't like fear so Im going to ignore in or I don't want to seem weak so I don't cry. So while they feel other emotions they dissociate the others?

    Sorry the wordings weird I'm going on 3 hrs of sleep

  15. i just had confrontation with someone,
    im not feeling good and relaxed now.
    but hell theres gotta be some positives about it.

  16.  @Kati Morton I'd love another video on dissociating. I think it could be helpful/interesting to maybe talk about the different levels or kinds of dissociating.
     For example, sometimes I have felt like I'm in a movie and everything is happening and being said because it's "scripted". And other times I've almost felt like my hands/arms aren't mine? If that makes sense. And I've heard you and other people mention that whole thing where it feels like you're almost floating above your body but I don't think I have ever personally experienced that.

    Also, in your answer to the first question, you said that sounds like a really simplistic way of explaining something that's really difficult…I agree that it's a simple explanation, but it's not one I would have necessarily thought of on my own. Sometimes I think it's the simplest answers that are the most helpful. <3

  17. I have pushed an abuser out of my life who is in my immediate family. This person hurt me a lot when I was young and I got away and stayed away for a while. Then things seemed to be better so I slowly let them back in, but each time I have let them back in it always starts out ok then escalaids and starts to head in the direction of when I was a kid. So I finally asked them to leave one last time and haven't had any contact with them in several months. Is this ok to just not talk to them or have any contact with them. I have no desire to be near them at all.

  18. You are so incredibly brave. This another step forwsrd. I am part of Lamplighters. I can relate, but I had very negative reaction to confronting my perp.

  19. Even when it is a complete other person that reminds you hard times. Really to see them again or confront them with what they did to remind you. No word will be heared, only flattering, forgiveness, promisses. They'll go on and on and on. To get their agreements and understandings. Without feelings! Be carefull to confront sexual abusers. Even when you left during a fight. Rape means very guilty. So think of the escape your opponent will choose. Destroy or jail! Take some friends to take your stuff back. Eventually.

  20. My ex was emotionally abusive towards me and at times when he had too much to drink he would be physically abusive towards me. When I left him he tried to kill me. I've pressed charges against him and have a restraining order. I'm also planning to file a civil suit against him for medical bills related to him trying to kill me along with emotional distress. I want to make sure he has consequences for what he did to me.

  21. Ghostspeaking.com – confronted my ABUSER! facing my giants…you can follow the puzzle pieces on my blog, but thank you thank you thank you to all you out there with your voices and your selves giving me strength when I was too scared….I was NOT ALONE…thank you all. 🙂

  22. I’m so happy that I came across this video. I was recently contacted by the police department of the town that I grew up in. My abuser is about to be released after serving 8 years in prison. In order to keep him in jail, I and several others have been asked to give a statement about what happened to us. This was a few months ago, and i have been petrified ever since. He was expected to plea by the end of June. I haven’t heard anything, and I have no idea what’s going on other than the fact that there are two charges for myself and 3 total for three others. I too feel sympathy for him, as his behaviors are pervasive and he’s been offending his entire adult life. This is his second time in prison since I was a child, and I am now almost 30. I have been seeing a therapist for about 3 years who has diagnosed me with a dissociative disorder, and i have been working very hard to stay grounded and to move forward with my life. I honestly thought that I was the only one who felt badly for their abuser, but I am glad that I am not alone in this. My question is, how do I deal with the fear of not knowing what will happen?

  23. PLEASE KEEP TALKING ABOUT DISSOCIATION. I’ve dissociated for longer than I can remember from tremendous abuse throughout my childhood. It’s not spoken about ENOUGH. I’m 20 years old now, and I FINALLY started to feel my true feelings, recently, but it was the most terrifying yet BEST experience. I started dissociating again from a crisis.

  24. I had a three-year relationship with a narcissist that ended in him “winning “ and I can’t move on because I can’t help wanting to get revenge

  25. I'm going to be confronting autism speaks for a YouTube video one of the biggest abusive organizations out there I'm honestly scared a little bit but hoe they have treated autistic people for years is not okay

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