How can we cope with the suicide of a loved one? Website/YouTube Wednesday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton

How can we cope with the suicide of a loved one? Website/YouTube Wednesday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton


Hey everybody. Happy Wednesday. And when it’s Wednesday
here at katimorton.com I’m on the website. And I’m also on youtube. So if you asked your questions under
yesterdays video or on my website. I found them. And I have already answered some. And I know I can’t get
through all of them. Know that I read everything. I’m always approving everything
that’s appropriate but, Just because I don’t have
enough time to answer them, Doesn’t mean that I don’t care
or that I’m not listening. And thank you so much to everyone who
helps out other people in our community. A lot of you have answered questions
and even just letting people know, ‘Hey Kati has a video on this already.’ That really helps me out. And it’s really, it’s why I love
our community so much. Okay, so I have three questions as well
as a really cool journal topic. Journal topic. Wow. So thanks Julia for that. So lets get going everybody. Okay. First question, ‘Hey Kati, my mom told me that
she thinks my therapist,’ ‘Made up my self harm
and eating problems.’ ‘She thinks she made it worse because I was,
I am not as bad as some of her clients.’ ‘Would you ever do this to a client?
How should I tell my therapist?’ ‘How do I cope when my mom
thinks it’s made up?’ Now this got a ton of thumbs up
and a ton of comments. Everybody was talking about it. And so that’s why I wanted to bring it up. The one thing I’m not sure, because she
talks about the therapist saying, Her mom saying, she thinks the
therapist made up her issues. But then it says she made it worse because
she’s not as bad as some of her clients. And I don’t know if maybe your
mom is a therapist as well. I don’t think so. I don’t know. It’s a little confusing to me. But what I think the question is is, Obviously how do I cope when my
mom thinks that I’ve made things up? Now, many of you have said that
you struggle with this yourself. And the honest answer, There are a couple of things
I guess we could do. Number one, We could bring our parent with us for
part of our session with our therapist. Have a session discuss it with our parent. See what concerns or questions they have. Why they think it’s made up. And honestly, as a client, you can kind of
lean on your therapist during that time, To let them talk to your parent and
help them better understand. I find often times parents just honestly
don’t know how to deal with something, And can feel really overwhelmed. And feel like a lot of it
may be their fault. And instead of talking to
their child about it. Or expressing this concern or worry. They act like it’s all made up
and it never happened. Because that’s easier for them to manage. And so that would be my guess as
to why your mom is doing this. But bringing her in to
session is one option. Writing her a letter if it’s
hard to say to her face. How you’re feeling. What you’ve been going through. How long you have been struggling with
this before you even saw a therapist. How much therapy has helped you. Blah blah blah. Whatever you’d like to say. Or setting aside some time when you know
that she will feel relaxed and comfortable, And talking to her about it. It sounds crazy. And I know a lot of you are like, ‘But it’s really hard. And she’s just
going to say the same thing.’ But communication is never a bad choice. It’s always what can help us heal. Even if the person we are talking to, Still doesn’t give us the answer or
the response we’re wanting. The fact that we have expressed ourselves. We have been authentic to who we
are, what we’re going through. The fact that we have done that. Can help us heal and move on past it. Because whatever goes on. And however your mom even responds, You know you have been honest. You know you shared your truth. You know what’s going on. And at that point, hopefully, if you have
processed it through with your therapist, It wont really matter what your
parent thinks any more. As long as they allow you
to still go to therapy. Because you can struggle with
what you are struggling with. You just need to know what help you need. And get it. Get the support from
other areas of your life. And to be truthful, Just kind of ignore the comments that
this parent may make about your recovery. Because sometimes parents
just don’t understand. They don’t seek to understand. Or they may worry so
much that it’s their fault, That they can’t even, they can’t even
begin to help in any way. And I’m really sorry you’re
going through that. But I hope that some of these
tips and tricks will help. And if any of you have
struggled with this, And have some tools and helpful things
that we can say to get them on board. Can you let us know below. Because everyone’s
experience is different. Okay, question number two, ‘Hey Kati, how do we cope with
the suicide of a loved one?’ ‘My friend recently committed suicide,’ ‘And I’m filled with regret and anger
at myself and my friend.’ ‘Then guilt for being angry at my friend.’ ‘I knew he was suffering from
depression and anxiety,’ ‘So I tried to be there for
him as much as possible.’ ‘He refused therapy treatment
and medication,’ ‘Despite myself and his family
trying to get him help.’ ‘Now he’s gone and it feels like it’s all
my fault. Is it really my fault?’ ‘I suffer from depression and anxiety myself
and I have had suicide attempts myself.’ ‘I feel like I triggered him. Is
it true that I may have,’ ‘Caused the death of my friend or is
it my depression etc. Thanks.’ This also got a lot of chatter. And I think many of us
have attempted suicide, Or known someone who has. Or someone who has committed suicide. And it’s really hard. Now, the thing that I want to explain, Is that, no it’s not your fault. Often times people who commit
suicide feel there is no way out. They don’t know what else to do. They feel like they are just in
this sunken terrible dark place, Where there is no end in sight. There is no light at the
end of the tunnel. Things feel extremely hopeless. And it’s no fault of yours. You were just trying to be supportive. As supportive as you could. You tried to get him to get help. And often times when people
are in that low of a space, I mean, they needed to be in the hospital. Because he didn’t want to get help. He didn’t want to, anything. Because everything just
felt like too much. It felt like there was no way out, Nothing was going to help,
even if he tried. And like I said, that hopelessness
can just be so palpable, That it’s really difficult for us
to get through to them. To be truthful, it would have been
great to catch this person years before, Before the depression got
so bad and so debilitating. That might have been the time
when therapy could have helped. We could have gotten, you know, Potentially on anti-depressants if that
was something that they wanted to try. And we may have been able
to bring him out of it. But it is not your fault that
they committed suicide. They were dealing with their own
demons, and their own struggles. And unfortunately no one in their family, Took him to the hospital because
they worried about them. Or talked them into taking them there. You know there are things that we can do. But many times people don’t
even know what to do. And that’s part of the reason why
I put out these videos, So people know they can call 911. You can call your local PET team, If someone in your family is
threatening to commit suicide. Because we want them safe. And that’s a nice way to have someone else
intervene and make sure they are safe. And possibly get them on medication. Get them to a therapist. And during all of that. And I have a video on grief and grieving
that can really help with this process. Just know that something
my grief counsellor, Said to me when I was going, when
my dad passed away is, And I’ve said this before I think. She was like, ‘Kati you run marathons, you know,
you do a lot every day. You’re very busy.’ ‘And there’s a lot going on.’ ‘But now it’s like someone has thrown an
80 pound backpack on you, and they’re like,’ ‘ “Go. Go run your marathon. You run
it all of the time.” And you can’t.’ ‘Because you’re wearing a
80 pound backpack.’ And so losing someone close to
us that we really care about. Can really weigh us down. And it can be really hard. And I want you to know that that’s normal. And it takes time. But give yourself that time to grieve. And be patient with your process. Just know that the loss of this
friend is not your fault. But that doesn’t mean that
you still can’t grieve them. And miss them. And love them. And give yourself the time to
move on from this situation. Okay. Now question number three, ‘Hey Kati, I hope I’m not too late.’ Obviously you’re not, because here it is. ‘But I wanted to know what I can do
to stop everything from feeling useless.’ ‘I have a lot of school work
and I also play sports a lot.’ ‘I pretty much don’t have a social
life, but I am fine with that.’ ‘It’s just that I feel like everything,
school work and sports is a waste of time.’ ‘And that I wont gain anything
from it. What should I do?’ Now the reason that I
selected this question, Is because I get a lot of questions that
sound like this in one way or another. And if you rewind this back
and listen to it again, I would bet that many of you have felt
this way at one point or another. And I wanted to talk about this
after this other question, Because what sounds like is
happening for you is depression. It sounds like you are very depressed. I would encourage you to find a therapist
or a counsellor in your area, Where you can begin talking about this. And processing this. And figuring out what’s going on. Medication may be an option. Yoga. Meditation can help. There are a bunch of different things that
we can do to help with our depression. But the fact that you’re
actually very active in sports, Tells me that you may need a little more. Because often getting active and being
out can lift our depression a little bit. But when we don’t enjoy
things that we used to, Everything seems useless, worthless. Everything is just not good. It just feels, ehh. That is a huge sign of depression. People miss that sign all of the
time, because they just think, ‘Oh I’m tired.’ Or, ‘Maybe I’m just not
enjoying these things.’ ‘Maybe I should try something new.’ ‘Maybe it’s just me, I’m stuck in a rut.’ I have heard so many different excuses. Oh sorry. Bumped my elbow. Oww. Different excuses for this. But the true reason that we don’t
find enjoyment in things we used to, Is depression. And so I would encourage
any of you out there, If this is something that
you’re struggling with, Please contact someone. School counsellors. Get referrals from your insurance. Do anything you can. Because there are tons
of ways to find help. And to get support, So that you can process through it. And you don’t have to feel
like this much longer. Okay. Now journal topic from Julia. Man I really walloped myself. Yeow. Okay. This is really cool. And I’m going to put the link
below in the description. You can scroll through the questions and
the answers till it says the journal topic. Because there’s a video. A youtube video. And it’s really great. And I want you all to see it. And she says, ‘Hey Kati, I came across
this video a while back,’ ‘And thought it would be a good
idea for a journal topic.’ ‘The video shows these kids, and
someone says something,’ ‘And then it shows the kids as adults
with words tattooed on them.’ ‘For most of the video they are fighting
with these ideas of themselves.’ ‘What ideas or things have people
said that have marked you?’ ‘Where did they come from?’ ‘What could you do now to change that?’ And then there is the link. I think, it’s really powerful. Because things that have been
said and done to us, Can leave tattoos on our
heart, on our soul. And it can become part of
who we think we are. When actually it’s just
something someone said. And it isn’t who we are. We have to accept that. We are the ones that have to
allow people to touch our souls. And to place things on us like that. And I think empowering ourself
to know we have the, you know, The strength and the power to actually
say ‘No, I don’t agree with that.’ Then it can be so transforming. We can change the whole way
we think about ourselves. Because we realise that we didn’t really
think about ourselves that way at all, Until someone else said it. So check out the video. It’s really cool. And then maybe write about, like she said, What are things that people have
said that have marked you? Where did it come from? And what can we do to change it now? Okay I love you all. Tomorrow I will be on twitter. So ask your questions there
using the #KatiFAQ Bye! Subtitles by the Amara.org community

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Comments

  1. Good video! I have a question. A friend of mine struggled with self harm and i can see she has some obsessive compulsive traits at some things. Her relationship with her mother isn't healthy, she yells at her sometimes and calls her things. But my friend is not going to leave her or whatever. I think she feels very responsible and of course loves her, but i can it takes a toll. Her father is also a problem figure. I don't really know how to help.

  2. I do like the theory of the journal topic. But, I almost feel it should come with a trigger warning on a number of levels for sure.

  3. Thanks for the video, I lie how you give concrete yet responsible advice. šŸ™‚
    A warning though. That video that is talked about is not safe for work. It is really powerfull and beautiful, but it's kind of hard to explain to your collegues whrn you sit at your desk and suddenly start crying. šŸ˜‰

  4. @Kati MortonĀ Thank you for your answer to the question regarding coping with the suicide of a loved one. There are alsoĀ some excellent videos on the Suicide-Prevention Resource Channel with regard to this topic.

  5. If you struggle with communicating with your parents – try inviting them to a session! I know my mom loves me, but we just really suck at communicating, to the point that she was triggering me a lot without meaning to. I invited her to a session, and we were able to talk things out with my therapist – it was one of the BEST things for our relationship! It's scary at first, but totally worth it.

  6. The second question was extremely helpful – I was in the same situation when I was 14 (the only difference was her parents didn't know) and I have blamed myself ever since. I had been dealing with depression for some time, she had an eating disorder and S/H issues and it's only now I'm starting to realise that although I am very aware that I could have prevented it, I'm only human and I just didn't know she was feeling suicidal at that moment in time. It's been extremely difficult but I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for what happened, and I hope that whoever posted that question will be able to forgive themselves too.

  7. Hey Katie I'm 27 I got diagnosed wi the aniaty depression at 24 I wanted to die that day before I was I saw my therapist last year at sessions ended then my dad past away in January this year I have had two panic attacks is this usual for Amity depression diagnosed patients .

  8. my wife killed herself and she was 5 months pregnant with my baby. it was going to be our first child. Its been 7 weeks now and i can't take the pain any more. im so heartbroken and lonely. Its just a matter of time now. i don't know what else to say.

  9. My 21 year old older brother commited suicide in september,2016.I can deal with the pain sometimes but when i'm home alone it just gets to me and i start crying.Yesterday my mom was staying at her boyfriend's house so i started talking to my brother.I was pretty loud and angry.I told him he ruined everything,that i miss him and everything.I also asked for a sign that he's fine and okay now.After a few minutes my TV turned off out of nowhere.I took it as a sign,finally calmed down and went to sleep because it was late.Just some last words why i think he didn't do it and someone hurt him:His father (my "step-father") commited suicide when he was almost 30.He used to hurt my mom and he had mental issues my mom didn't know about when they got married.My brother was 2 at the time and when he knew what happened to his father,he hated him.He hated him because of the fact he killed himself and hurt my mom a lot that he almost killed her.That's why i think he didn't do it,he hated his father because of suicide,and then he does it too?

  10. I had words with my son and he killed himself. I wish I could trade places with him. I loved him more than anything in the world. The guilt is so bad it is eating me inside out. Doctors where I live don't believe in depression, therefore there is no help.

  11. I feel guilty all The time because I Know how Much my family would hurt If I killed myself. When I was 12 I was done I had no idea what to do. I planned it fully out. How do I Get over The guilty feeling? I am 16 now

  12. I was wondering if you could make a video on feeling numb after a love one commits suicide. I was 19 when I lost my dad to suicide and I just felt numb I still feel numb sometimes I'm 25 now happened 6 years ago

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